


Improbability

by Eloarei



Category: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name
Genre: Crack, M/M, Magical Accidents, Mpreg, Spells & Enchantments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-09
Updated: 2012-11-09
Packaged: 2017-11-18 07:44:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/558544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eloarei/pseuds/Eloarei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During a witch hunt, Hanna and Conrad are hit with a spell that, in retrospect, to an observer, might be kind of ironically funny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize to the world while simultaneously cackling wildly. I can never quite decide how sorry I should be for this travesty. On one hand, MPreg. On the other hand, I had stupid amounts of fun writing this? Besides, I figured at the time, someone was going to do it eventually and it may as well be me. XD;;;

Conrad had never found Hanna so infuriatingly annoying as when they were both pregnant. The always-energetic redhead seemed to have twice the energy during this “special” time of their lives, whereas Conrad felt sluggish and twice as heavy. Not to mention the fact that Hanna's pregnancy was scheduled to last less than half as long as Conrad's, another fact about which poor irritable Connie was considerably pissed.

But the reason Conrad was most upset at Hanna was because he considered this very odd situation COMPLETELY HIS FAULT. 

It had started with a call from a particularly well-to-do gentleman, who was apparently being pestered by a witch. “A witch!” Hanna said. “Pretty much human then. I should be able to reason with her!” 

As it would turn out, that wasn't the case. Not _even._ It wasn't the fact that she was a witch that made her unreasonable, it was the fact that she was a woman scorned. The wealthy gentleman who'd contacted them was, in fact, her husband, and she was (rightfully, the group agreed) upset at him because he'd been seeing other women. She seemed to be so beside herself with rage that she found all men disgusting, and she hurled curses at them whenever they came within cursing distance. (They eventually had to get Toni to talk her into a more reasonable state.)

The curses the witch had thrown were not the typical fire-thunder-and-a-thousand-needles kind one would typically expect an angry paranormal to dish out; in fact, they didn't even realize they'd been hit until a few weeks later, after the symptoms of a typically female problem began to manifest in Hanna. 

At first they assumed he was just sick, but eventually a man who introduced himself as the witch's butler told them that was not the case. “M'lady has asked me to inform you, Mister Cross, that she believes you maybe be pregnant. She expresses her sincere apologies for any inconvenience and hopes you'll accept her help when the time for birthing the child comes.” And then he disappeared, heading to Conrad's place to deliver a similar message. 

And, of course, the whole thing was Hanna's fault. 

Hanna, at least, had had his zombie boyfriend to support him when his knees gave out upon hearing this momentous news. Conrad had been alone in his dark and lonely apartment, as was typical when trying to get a good day's sleep. He took the news rather badly at first, but luckily had quickly fainted onto his bed. When he awoke, he figured it had all been some sort of horrid dream. 

His blissful denial had lasted a week or two. Basically, until Hanna started showing the 'signs'. 

“Puttin' on a little weight, ain'tcha Hanna?” Worth had joked, while jabbing playfully at Hanna's no-longer-stick-thin belly with some sort of medical tool. 

Hanna had jerked away a little, looking a bit worried. “Do you think we should tell them?” he'd whispered at his zombie. After a few minutes of tense mumbled conversation between the two, during which Conrad and Worth complained at each other to respectfully cover the silence, the redhead turned to them and said very seriously, “I'm pregnant.” 

There was a moment of silence, as appears to be customary in situations such as these, and then Worth burst out cackling like a deranged hyena. “Are you kiddin' me, Hanna? What the hell'd you git yerself into this time?” 

Hanna began to energetically recap their situation with the witch, throwing his arms in the air at the appropriate times and punctuating his sentences with a plethora of hand gestures. It wasn't until they got nearly to the end of the story that they realized Conrad had fainted to the floor. 

And so began what was to be a very _trying_ time for all of them. It was a stressful situation, not doubt, but they each handled it in their own way. 

Hanna took very little time to get used to the idea, and spent the first week or so after the revelation at Conrad's place, mooching internet so he could read-up on pregnancies. That was when he discovered that zombie-related pregnancies tended to last only a month or two, which was why he'd started gaining weight so quickly. From that point on, he spent a lot of time lying down and being stared at by his zombie, whose strict glare practically dared him to get up and do something dangerous.

Said zombie spent most of the time in which he was not attempting to protectively smother Hanna out looking for a job. Though being undead meant he didn't have to eat, Hanna's part-time job barely made enough for him to feed himself. (And the undead man had long since given up on the hope that they'd ever generate much income from their paranormal investigation business.) From what he could gather, babies tended to eat a lot, and require other very expensive things, such as diapers. And so he searched tirelessly for any job that would hire someone with green skin, no ID, no Social Security card, no birth certificate, and only one credible reference. (He made sure to thoroughly thank the tick-tocking accountant for being the only reliable adult in their pathetic group of acquaintances.)  
Needless to say, it was a long search. 

Conrad was extremely mopy throughout the whole ordeal. He'd just barely summoned up the courage to accept his strange relationship with Worth, and now he was being smacked right in the face with the horrible horrifying consequences of his choices. (Being hit with a curse that made male pregnancy possible wasn't what _caused_ the pregnancy, he knew. It was his own damn inability to resist Worth's disgusting... charms. And Worth's fault for being so goddamn grossly sexy to begin with. (God, did that even make sense?)) Of course, it was easier to blame someone he didn't spend quite so much time with, so he continued to curse Hanna's name whenever he felt particularly grouchy or the stupid fetus kicked him in the bladder. 

Somehow, it appeared that Worth was the one most content with the situation. The theory was that Conrad would never have admitted his relationship with the good doctor had this whole odd pregnancy thing never come up and forced him to do so, and the fact that admitting (even to himself) that he was in a relationship with another man made Conrad so ridiculously uncomfortable was what had Worth constantly grinning that horrid lecherous grin of his. The other reason was that Worth had actually always wanted a kid, and had lately given up on the possibility of that ever happening. (Even if Conrad had never come around, the likelihood of him ever getting married at this point in his life was slim to none.) So he considered this quite the pleasant surprise, not to mention absolutely fucking hilarious. 

Though it may not always be the case, sometimes when you're placed under a strange circumstance, it's much easier for _you_ to come to terms with it than it is for your _friends_ to do so. This definitely was the case for the _non_ affected members of their odd little group. Hanna had decided the best way to break the ice to them was to summon everyone to the Rabbit Hole one night and make a grand announcement. He was met largely with blank stares. 

“You're... kidding, right?” Toni eventually ventured. She eyed Hanna's belly with a look that was not exactly _disgusted_ , but more like inordinately perplexed. Despite being a member of the supernatural world herself, she was having a difficult time wrapping her mind around the thought of a _man_ bearing a child, even one so slight and, dare she say, _campy_ as Hanna. 

The man in question shook his head. “Nuh-uh. It's already moving around and stuff too. Y'wanna see?” He gestured for Toni (and Ples and Veser, who were still staring) to come forward and feel his slightly protruding stomach. The werewolf girl hesitantly moved forward and looked to Hanna's looming zombie protector for clearance, before resting her hand on it lightly. 

“Wow,” she breathed, after she noticed the trembling wiggle of some other life-form just under the raised scar on Hanna's belly. “So, you're this far along already, huh? When it's due?”

Hanna tapped his chin in thought. “Well, I talked to Miss Marigold the other day, and she said it'd probably be in the next three weeks or so. Oh, Miss Marigold is the witch we mentioned. Yeah, she said we're gonna have to magic it out, since, well, y'know. Heh.” 

There was a 'pregnant' pause as everyone in attendance imagined the vivid and potentially disgusting scene which was brought to mind. Hanna decided to break the silence by making another announcement. 

“Oh right, yeah, and Connie's pregnant too. He didn't tell you guys yet, did he?”

Based on the even-more-surprised-than-finding- _Hanna_ -pregnant stares being directed at the quietly sulking vampire in the corner, he guessed that Conrad had _not_ told them. 

It was apparently Veser's turn to speak up, and he did so, loudly, sounding slightly outraged. “You guys are _both_ pregnant?! At the same time? Ugh, does that mean you guys are _fucking_?! And...-” He left the rest of his crazy accusations silent, but gave everyone a paranoid look and scooted farther away from Ples, next to whom he'd been sitting quite comfortably. 

Conrad rolled his eyes. “ _No_ , you horny little retard! We got cursed by that stupid witch at the same time. It's just a coincidence!” 

Veser visibly relaxed, but still had a paranoid gleam in his eyes. 

“So, if you don't mind me asking, who _are_ the... er, fathers?” Toni asked, simply for clarification, as she was already pretty sure she could figure it out. 

The zombie set his large gloved hand on Hanna's shoulder as means of laying silent claim to the growing child within. Conrad hastily jerked a thumb towards Worth, who'd been sitting a few chairs away, smirking, with his feet up on the table. 

And through these small gestures, it quickly became obvious to all in attendance that, despite the oddness of the situation, these two new little highly-improbable unborn babies were going to have one heck of an interesting life, with plenty of adventures, plenty of strange friends, and plenty of this dysfunctional family's own special breed of love. 

OoOoOoOoOoO

It had indeed been _exactly_ three weeks from that somewhat awkward meeting when Hanna started having some ridiculously intense abdominal pains. He quickly summoned Miss Marigold, and the two got to work on setting up the delivery spell.

“I could easily do it myself,” Miss Marigold told Hanna and his silent sentinel of a partner, “but it would be better for you to have some hand in it as well. You work with runes, is that right?” 

Hanna nodded, and they set about incorporating some rune magic in what was largely a spell of incantation with a side of potion. 

“This may take a while,” the witch informed the quiet zombie. “He'll be fine; you don't have to stay the whole time.” She made a slight shooing motion with the hand that wasn't stirring the contents of her portable cauldron. 

He was hesitant to leave Hanna's side, but with a nod from the redhead, he decided to take a short trip to the closest pay-phone and let the others know what was happening. Then he returned to the shabby apartment, unable to keep himself away for too long. 

Surprisingly, Worth was the first to show up at their creaky door. He didn't say a thing when the zombie let him in; he simply strode up to the witch's side, folded his arms, studied the magic-users' spell with a critical eye, and gave an unimpressed-sounding 'hmph'. He stepped back when Miss Marigold shot him a glare to rival his worst, but continued to watch from a slight distance, like some sort of professional vulture. 

It was early in the day when the process began, and the others had all been occupied with work, school, or an unfortunate inability to walk in sunlight, but as the day wore on, they showed up one-by-one to lend their moral support. By the time the sun was down and Conrad had finally shown up (reluctantly; he was still trying his darnedest to pretend this whole thing wasn't happening, and if he was there when the magician-and-zombie's little freak child was born, that was all going to go _right_ out the window), they were hitting the final stages of the process. 

“Alright, this is where it gets complicated,” Miss Marigold told the crowd. “I'm going to have to ask you all to leave until we're done.” 

And so the concerned lurkers filed out, Worth and the zombie hanging back until the witch started swiping irritably at them with her wand, the tip of which appeared to be sharpened to a rather dangerous-looking point. 

Really, they needn't have worried about missing anything, because standing in the hallway, just outside the paper-thin door, they could still hear every one of Hanna's uncomfortable groans, startled gasps, and pained shouts. 

They hung out in the cramped hallway for about an hour before it was all over. (During which time they had to fend off several concerned neighbors, and a very curious Mrs. Blaney. “What's Falk up to now?” she asked nosily, to which Toni quickly responded, “Uh, we're practicing for a play! It's a, uh, torture scene.” Blaney looked dubious about that answer but narrowed her eyes and retreated downstairs anyway.) It was a silent and awkward hour (aside from Hanna's yells, which made it more of an agonizingly loud and awkward hour), and everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief when Miss Marigold finally opened the door and ushered them in. 

Hanna was curled up on the ratty old couch, looking like he'd just run a marathon through a windstorm, but grinning broadly and cuddling what was possibly the ugliest baby know to mankind. The poor thing was a pale green color, and had a thick thatch of curly red-brownish hair, and its face was scrunched up in a decidedly unpleasant way, although it was not crying and looked otherwise quite comfortable. 

The disheveled redhead beamed when he saw his visitors. “Hey guys, come in! There's someone you need to meet.” He held the little child out to its full-grown zombie father, who had a look of confused wonder on his face. 

Before anyone could ask, Hanna put on his very best “gnee” face and proclaimed, “His name is Today!” 

Somehow, his bewildered onlookers managed to hold their tongues on the matter of Hanna's 'superb' naming skills (what could they have expected; his zombie partner had sported a weird new moniker every day since they'd met) and simply smile at the curious little creature in front of them. It cooed softly when picked up by his father, causing everyone's heart to melt just a little and think that maybe “Today” wasn't such a horrible name after all. In fact, it fit right in with the strange family he'd just been born into. A kid with a name like Mike or John would never have survived the inevitable impending chaos, but Today might just be able to make the most of it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Conrad is, sort of, the only sane man, if you have a really fluid definition of "sane".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably even sappier and more ridiculous than the previous chapter, if that's at all possible.

_God what a hideous kid,_ Conrad thought, glaring at the curly-headed little boy who was currently bouncing happily on 'uncle Worth's knee. He grumbled and went back to his work, trying to ignore the gleeful noises both the child and Worth were making, but more or less failing to block out Today's cooing giggles. 

He wanted to tell Worth to take the stupid kid elsewhere, but Conrad was the one who'd asked him to come over and help babysit anyway. Asking him to leave would not only be rude, but might inspire the doctor to actually leave him alone with the kid out of spite. So he let them be. Worth was doing an oddly great job entertaining the toddler anyway. 

_He really does like kids_ , Conrad mused, _as hard as I still find that to believe. I don't know. Maybe this whole thing really won't be so bad._

Setting his laptop to the side, he laid a hand gently on his swollen belly, closed his eyes and let his mind drift as he imagined the paths his life would take. He pictured how adorable his child would be, oh yes, much cuter than Hanna's little monstrosity. Then he thought of the lovely house he'd live in, because, of course, you couldn't raise a child in a one-bedroom apartment. He'd probably move to a nicer neighborhood, some place with a good school district, perhaps. And that was fine, because he'd been getting tired of this one anyway, especially considering the rather high percentage of supernatural activity. Ah, and then there was-- 

Conrad was startled out of his sleepy daydreams by a weight that was suspiciously like that of an ugly green six-month-old baby being plopped unceremoniously between his crossed arms. 

“Ugh, what--?” 

Worth shrugged at him from above. “Got a call from Lamont. Says he needs some help at the office. So yer gonna hafta finish up lookin' after Junior.” He grinned at Conrad's utterly terrified face. “Heh, sorry princess, I know yer not big on kids, but ya might as well start practicin'. Che, I ain't gonna change _all_ the brat's diapers.” 

And with that, the good doctor had removed himself from the building, leaving the grouchy pregnant vampire to deal with the half-zombie toddler as best he could 'til the tyke's parents could finally come pick him up. 

“O _kay_ , so what exactly do I do with you?” he asked rhetorically. The child's response was simply to snore at him; he had already fallen asleep, spread out and hugging Conrad's belly like a reptile on a warm rock. 

_Well that was easy,_ the vampire thought, smiling at the ugly baby. _Not a bad idea, either._ So he snuggled down into his squishy arm-chair and dozed off, grateful that Worth was so good at tiring people out. 

OoOoOoOoOoO

Over the past several months, there had been an intense amount of study going on in the Achenleck and Worth households. Now, this wasn't particularly strange for Conrad, he being a somewhat scholarly type. He was doing his best to read up on Ancient Middle-Eastern and Egyptian art, in order to work with greater accuracy on a strange commission he'd received, and he was finding it much more interesting than he'd anticipated. 

What was strange was when he mentioned something about it to Worth, and the grungy doctor actually _understood_ what the heck he was talking about. 

“How in the world do you know _anything_ about Ancient Egyptian culture?” he asked, sure that the man was somehow cheating. 

Worth scoffed, but the look in his eyes was rather entertained. “What, I'm not allowed to know this stuff because I'm not an art-fag like you?” 

Conrad didn't feel like arguing with the man (he never felt like arguing with Worth, but these days it was particularly bad, so most of the time he let Worth go with little more than a suspicious frown), so he didn't press the issue. 

As he found, several months later, when he was nearing the end of his third painful trimester, it might have been in his best interest to have pried after all. 

It turned out that what Worth was so raptly intent on studying was, in fact, witch-doctoring. Ancient-Egyptian witch-doctoring. 

“That Marigold woman is a flake,” he said, when the truth finally came out. “She might'a done alright with Hanna, but I don't trust her.” 

Conrad wasn't sure quite whether he ought to be flattered or horrified. He was flattered because, well, his and Worth's relationship wasn't, never had been, and probably never would be exactly what you'd call _sweet_. The doctor taking such a big step in order to protect Conrad and their unborn child really was a big deal. 

Then again, this also implied that Worth was planning on magicking the kid out of his stomach by himself. And with less than six months of experience. Conrad knew he (probably) wasn't in any danger, even should Worth fail, but the thought was still terrifying. 

He wanted to try to talk Worth out of it, but in the end he was (again) just too tired to argue, so he groaned in defeat and hoped against hope that things would turn out okay. 

OoOoOoOoOoO

Conrad was of the firm opinion that the whole world was conspiring against him. Worth, Hanna, this stupid baby, even Mother-freaking-Nature. 

Time was ticking down, summer was closing in, and he was feeling miserable. His workload had decreased lately, so he had more free time than he knew what to do with, and the heat of summer made laying around unbearable, even in the middle of the night. He'd started spending more and more time baby-sitting for Today, while his parents were working to try to save up money for a better apartment. 

The strange little baby was starting to grow on him, with his bright, pudgy little face, and the way he couldn't talk back. In time, even having to change his diapers was no longer as repulsive as it once had been. 

“Aww, Connie, must be yer motherly instinct kickin' in,” Worth joked. 

But taking care of Today led Conrad to worry about another potential problem. Hanna's child was fed much like any other child. He drank milk or formula from a bottle, which was simple enough. But both his parents were human (more or less). The adult zombie still didn't eat, but surely he had eaten normal food back when he'd been alive, and the tiny magician consumed mass quantities of any food you stuck in front of his face, so long as it was mostly vegetable-less. On the other hand, Conrad's child was the product of a vampire and a man who was very probably a drunk with a substance-abuse problem. And since Conrad fed largely on a mixed diet of anonymous bagged blood and Worth's own contaminated blood, he was somewhat afraid that the child would be born sick from malnutrition or, worse, unable to consume human food. 

He worried himself nearly sick over this thought several times until Worth grudgingly agreed to lay off the hard drugs at least until after the kid had been born. This didn't completely assuage Conrad's fears, but it helped, even just knowing that Worth was willing to inconvenience himself for their child's fate. 

Their mismatched group of friends did their best to help Conrad through this rough time, but there wasn't much that they could do and, quite honestly, they felt it was awkward and uncomfortable to spend time around the mopy vampire. Even so, Toni usually came to visit him once every few days, often dragging Veser along with her. 

“So, what are you going to name it?” she asked during one of these visits. 

Conrad looked as if he'd been planning to reply with some sensible answer, but had simply forgotten. His mouth hung open a fraction and his eyebrows were knitted together in confusion. “Uh... Oh, god, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.” 

Toni laughed nervously. “Maybe you _should_ think about it a little? I mean, you're due in, what? A few weeks?” 

“Ugh. I really don't have any idea. ...I don't even know what I'm doing. Honestly, I'm still not one-hundred percent convinced that this isn't some horrible dream.” He put his head in his hands and sighed, mentally shaking his head at himself; he'd been doing that a lot lately. 

“Aww, it's gonna be ok, Conrad,” Toni said comfortingly, moving to his side and putting an arm around his shoulder. “Look, we're all here for you, you know.” 

“Yeah,” he responded, not entirely convinced but glad to have someone by his side. 

OoOoOoOoOoO

“Have ya packed most of yer shit up yet?” 

Conrad looked up from what he was reading and raised an eyebrow at Worth's completely random and senseless question. “What the hell are you talking about? Why would I pack my things? I'm not going anywhere.” 

Worth responded by giving the vampire a look that insinuated he thought he was a complete idiot. “Yeah ya are. Yer movin' in here.” 

“When did we decide this?” Conrad asked, panicking slightly about yet another thing gone wrong. “My apartment is just fine!” 

The grungy doctor rolled his eyes. “It ain't _fine_ , Connie. It's too small is what it is. How ya gonna raise a kid in a dinky 'lil place like that? Where's he gonna sleep, the couch?”

“No...” Conrad crossed his arms and made the same unsure, defensive look at Worth that he'd been casting so frequently the past few months. “I... I'll put him in my room for now. And when he gets older I'll just get a bigger place.”

“Y'can't go far,” Worth said. “I still got a business ta run.”

Conrad growled in frustration, annoyed that Worth couldn't just shut up and stop picking fights with him. “What the hell does your 'business' have to do with where I move? I can move wherever the fuck I want.” 

Worth had been standing across the room, but suddenly he approached the desk where Conrad sat and slammed his hand down on it, hoping to shock the moody vampire out of his asshole attitude. “So, what? Yer gonna move off on yer own and take care of the kid by yerself 'cuz ya wanna be 'lil miss independent?” 

It hit Conrad like a ton of bricks when he finally realized what Worth was really saying. He wasn't _just_ being an ass (although that was part of it, and something he likely couldn't escape at this point in life), no, he was trying to be supportive, in his own messed up way. He was saying, ' _I wanna help you. I wanna be a dad. And this is my kid too, so don't you try to take it away.'_

The reality of the situation came crashing down on him, after nine months of confused almost-denial, and with Worth's messed-up backwards confession to top it off, he felt like tossing his lunch (a bag of AB with a side of Worth; not a good combination lately). 

“We-- I can't raise a kid here,” he managed to choke out instead. “This place is disgusting.” 

“Then we can clean it up,” Worth responded, one-hundred-percent completely serious. 

And that was that. 

OoOoOoOoOoO

It took the rest of the week, but with Conrad's vicious attention to detail and nearly obsessive-compulsive streak of cleanliness, the office and adjoining shambling apartment finally seemed almost sanitary enough to consider giving birth in. And right on time, too, as the vampire's first contractions reared their ugly head no sooner than he'd gotten the bedclothes properly changed. 

_'Ugh, contractions?'_ he thought miserably as he fought to stand up straight. _'Is this really happening? And what the hell's_ contracting, _anyway?! It's not like I have a fucking uterus.'_

He hobbled out into the main office to look for Worth, whining, “I hope you studied until your brain exploded, because goddammit if you can't get this thing out of me--” 

After a few minutes of looking and still not finding the sleazy doctor, Conrad began to worry. _'Ugh, dammit, why doesn't he have a cell-phone?'_ With no way of contacting him, and no knowing where he was, the vampire decided to call around, hoping somebody would have a clue. 

Lamont answered on the first ring, as was usual with the charismatic business man. “What can I do for ya, Conrad?” 

“Hey, Worth's not with you, is he?” he asked, trying not to sound too anxious or pained. 

“Hmm, no, sorry. Anything I can help with?” 

Conrad considered asking him to come over but decided he'd rather not be seen by anyone unnecessary right now. “Uh, no. Thanks though. See ya, Lamont.” And he hung up before the man could ask any more questions. 

His next call was to Hanna, although reluctantly. The boy answered the phone just as energetically as always, but unfortunately hadn't seen Worth. Conrad was about to thank him and hang up when Hanna piped up, with impeccable timing, as always, and asked, “Hey, so when are you gonna have your kid anyway?”

Conrad cringed. “Uh, I don't know, sometime soon? Anyway, thanks Hanna, gotta go.” And he hung up the phone before the ginger could get another word in edgewise. 

He was about to call up Toni (although why she'd have any clue as to Worth's whereabouts, he didn't know) when the office door swung open and the man walked in. 

“God I've been looking for you for half an hour!” Conrad yelled, panicking more as each minute went by and this goddamn kid was still floating around in his abdomen. 

“Well sorry princess, but I figured the kid'd wanna eat after we popped it outta ya, so I took a grocery trip. I mean, s'not like ya got the breasts to feed it yerself, and I sure as hell can't do it.”

Conrad closed his eyes and held his hands up in front of him. “Worth, please, just shut up and get this thing out of me already or I think it's gonna punch its way out.” 

“Ok, it's gonna be fine, pup. Just go on and go lay down.”

This sounded like great advice, so Conrad gladly followed it. After a minute or so, Worth came into the room, brandishing a grin and a syringe full of clear liquid. “I think it'll be best fer everyone if you sleep through this.”

“Woah, no way!” Conrad growled, but the needle was already in his arm and empty, and it was just a few seconds before he was feeling his eyelids drop heavily and his head droop back to the pillow. 

_'Oh god,_ ' he thought, _'this is the end, isn't it? Augh, maybe I'll wake up and still be back in art school, and this will all just be a dream, a horrible fucking nightmare, and things will go back to normal._

_If such a thing ever existed in the first place...'_

OoOoOoOoOoO

He awoke to the sound of crying. Not crying, really, but the screeching whine of a newborn child shocked at how different his new life was than his old one. 

Then the other sounds began to filter in-- the laughing, talking, noisy sounds of a crowd that's trying to control itself but can't contain its excitement. 

For a moment Conrad hesitated to open his eyes; they still felt like lead weights anyway. But the screeching baby-noise startled him back to full consciousness and he sat up with a gasp. 

“Conrad, congratulations!” he heard someone say behind Worth's “Ah, Mama Connie's awake. Hey kid, let's go see yer mom. Maybe he can get ya to shut up.” The words were rough, but there was a warmth in the doc's voice that Conrad doubted he'd ever heard before. The man looked him in the eyes, and was that a _real_ smile? And then there was a tiny baby in his arms, its eyes clenched shut and it's mouth wide open, screaming for all the world to hear. 

But it was so warm. As he held it against his chest, it stopped wailing, cries dying down to mere whimpers. Looking down, he saw the red wrinkly skin and scrunched up face, but somehow the damned thing was... almost beautiful. 

“It's a boy,” Worth said, after Conrad had looked at the baby for a few minutes. “What're ya gonna name 'im?” 

“Uh, Xanith,” he said without thinking, still staring at the tiny creature. 

“What the fuck kinda name is that?”

Conrad was startled (again) out of his trance-like state when he heard the rough voice of a rude half-selkie. 

“What the hell? What are all of you doing here? Augh, get out!” 

Hanna pushed his way past Veser, Toni, and Ples, who were standing at a short distance from Conrad's bed, and pranced excitedly up to the bedside. “We couldn't just let you do this by yourself! You needed moral support!” 

' _Oh lord, I wish you wouldn't have,_ ' he thought, but even so, he couldn't stop himself feeling a little happy that the others cared enough to be there. (Even if it was probably mostly because of their morbid curiosity at witnessing a man give birth to a living child.) 

He gave Hanna a weak smile, then turned to the others, trying to think of something to say. Luckily Worth saved him the trouble. 

“Alright, show's over. Mama Connie needs her beauty sleep.” He spread his arms and began to usher the small crowd out the door as they turned and softly shouted their various congratulations. Once the congregation was gone, he returned to the bedside, sat down next to Conrad and looked him in the eyes. 

“...What the fuck kinda name is that? What, ya couldna named 'im _Victor_ or somethin'?”

Conrad rolled his eyes (he recognized when Worth wasn't _really_ mad), a gentle smile somehow creeping up onto his face as he looked at the newly dubbed Xanith. “Fine, that can be his middle name. Yeah. Xanith Victor Achenleck.” 

Worth scoffed as he scooted closer to take another good look at his kid. “You mean 'Worth'.” 

“Fuck you,” Conrad spat, laughing. “We're not married and I'm the one who had him, so it's Achenleck.”

“Right, right, we'll see,” Worth muttered, bringing his legs up onto the bed and nudging Conrad over so he had the room to lay down. 

Although he wasn't sure, it sounded to Conrad like he'd won the argument for once, so laid back on the clean pillows and breathed a sigh of relief, enjoying the new silence. 

So things hadn't gone 'back to normal', fine. But when he looked around, he found that he didn't really mind his strange life all that much. And in fact, maybe it wasn't that strange. He still couldn't stand the sunlight, and he still drank blood, but Worth and Xanith were warm and alive, and their soft breathing was already lulling him back to sleep. 

Maybe tomorrow he'd think again about how strange his life was. But for now, he was content. 

OoOoOoOoOoO

In fact, it was _two_ days before Conrad was forced to face the reality that his life wasn't, and would never be, normal, when his adorable human child spontaneously decided to morph into a tiny, naked, hybrid bat-rat.

According to Worth, nobody had ever screamed so loud nor so high-pitched in the history of mankind, and they were lucky they didn't get the cops called on them. Hanna later claimed that he could hear it all the way across the city, but Conrad knew they were just teasing. After all, they really were just as shocked as he was. 

Nobody was more shocked than Xanith, who screamed bloody murder upon changing back.

 _'Kid, I know,_ believe _me._ ' Conrad cuddled the tiny child, who was finally settling down after a very tiring day. _'Life's going to be weird, and you'll be learning from the experts. But at least it won't be boring.'_


End file.
